I am at a loss of words.
Final Fantasy XI is the game which troubled me more than any other game I bought before - and that before actually getting to play it.
How did it came that I decided to risk playing this game?
Well, on one hand, I wanted to compare it to FFXIV, which fails hard on its own already.
On the other, Steam had the Ultimate Collection collecting the game, 3 addons and the 30 day trial for 5 bucks.
Then again, I had a companion, who surely will agree with my tale of misery, settled in Vana'diel.
Alright, I thought, If I get it via Steam, setting up the game should be fairly easy!
Hell, was I wrong!
DAY 1

After downloading 8GB of game files from Steam, the creepy PlayOnlineViewer opened up.
It took an hour to fully register (you are forced to insert not only your adress, but also your bank/credit card information!).
After that hour, I forced myself through getting my Content ID, which was another 30 minutes worth of nothing.
The whole PlayOnline interface is bloated, even worse than Windows Live Messenger 2011 (which says a lot), and the focus clearly is not playing the game you bought.
It is hard to work through these tons of special terms and options, while they don't really help you after all.
Now, both me and my companion thought about creating our characters.
We weren't able to.
Defying the whole sense of Steam's patching features, SquareEnix forced 9 to 10 hours of patching onto both of us.
The download connection didn't even take 5% of my bandwidth, and regardless of my connection being massively faster than that of my companion, we both loaded equally slowly.
DAY 2
So after 3 hours of setting up the game and then finally pushing the Play-button, we got doomed by Square Enix's pathetic servers, binding us forever.
At that point, I already hated this game for real.
Not for what it was, but for what it did to us before it even started.
This whole patching and frustration consumed the 2nd day of our travel to Vana'diel.
You see, 3 Days of Misery aren't meant to describe the game itself, no, it doesn't take that long to notice that the game sucks.
DAY 3
Alright, the actual gameplay started.
But.. not so fast.
First, another half an hour of patches...
You ready?
Starting the game..
Ignoring the 'run windowed'-tick in the configuration tool, the game started fullscreen.
And crashed.
Remember this:
[ALT] + [TAB] = CRASH FFXI
Great!
Now, to get it to work, we had to search for a tool called 'Windower'.
This tool... didn't run at first.
We had to modify it's settings slightly to make it work with our Steam-FFXI.
After it finally ran, I really... didn't know wether to laugh or to cry.
These textures were horrible!
The whole screen was screaming "NOOOOOOOISE!" into the world.
Don't expect smooth pictures in FFXI.
At least here, FFXIV did an amazingly better job.
Now... the Character creation. Finally.
Let's pick a Mithra.
These nice nekomimi-girls are probably the best female characters in the game.
And wow, we were able to pick one out of half a dozen different heads.
No charms, no details, no facial expressions. Heads.
With one haircolor-variation!
Okay, okay, I think you get the misery of creating your character.
When the "intro" played, we saw more black scenes than animated ones.
The camera was constantly fading out; reading the few lines of introduction were nigh impossible.
There is no speech in the game.
It is more like a text adventure than a living world.
The game lacks atmosphere, the warmth you see in other MMOs - be it World of Warcraft or Warhammer Online, Aion or Guild Wars.
Atmosphere-wise, Final Fantasy VIII had more to give than FFXI after all these years of patching.
Next problem:
How to control your character?
You will need to constantly press the left mouse button, dragging the cursor slightly into the (nearest) direction you want your character to go to.
The whole handling of your character is pathetic, it leaves you running spastically through the poor landscape, running against walls and against other people (NPCs..).
With no real tutorial on the controls, you are left alone with.. well, nothing.
You aimlessly run around.
The action menu is poor, unexplained and pops up once in a while.
Running through the empty village of Windurst, I felt an urge building up inside of me.
I was getting suicidal.
All I wanted to do was to kill my Mithra, deleting the game and never coming back to Vana'diel.
It took me 20 minutes of running aimlessly through the empty world to actually find an enemy.
A Bee.
But .. it didn't kill me fast enough!
So I ran around, the bee following me, and attacked an innocent rabbit which joined the bee.
A few attacks later, my Mithra died, and I couldn't help but play the Victory fanfare of Dissidia: Final Fantasy.
I could finally leave the game.
EPILOGUE
Before actually cleansing this awful game from my computer, I had to kill PlayOnline and cancel my account.
Took my about 90 minutes to work through forums and the POViewer, before finally being able to close this interface for the last time.
No matter how bad my opinion about Final Fantasy XI was before, this experience even worsened it.
It is not even funny anymore.
Making jokes about Final Fantasy XI will never be the same to me...
This game doesn't even deserve being talked about.
I have deep respect for everyone who actually managed to survive the first week of the game, including signing up and patching the game to the moon.
My last words?
Never touch Square Enix MMOs...