I've been thinking lately... you know, more than usual..
If you know me well, you will surely know how much I'm thinking usually xD
So, let's say, it keeps me busy. Even at night. No, especially at night.
What have I been thinking about...
Love, Life & Laughter..
You know, love's not my favourite topic over the last months.
The more I think about it, the more I despise it.
And the more I despise it, the farther away it gets.
I'm asking myself what "Love" really means to me.
Not very comforting when you find that you don't know a singleanswer to that question, I can tell you.
It's true, it has been silent in the past, but it's not as if I weren't attracted by one girl or another. No, you could say that I've been "hunting" a lot..
By hunting I don't mean anything stupid, of course! More like searching for a girl that fits my expectations and makes me fall in love with her in an instant.
It's a hard task, for sure.
Most of those who I got to know had such a cheap character, that I didn't think about how to get closer but how to leave as soon as possible!
I know, relationships weaken every year. Look around, you will see way too much couples that aren't really in love. They are a couple because they feel lonely, because they like each other, or simply because of instinctive behaviour.
None of this is what I want.
I don't want false relationships, I don't want to make up a love that I didn't feel inside my heart. Even if the girl loves me from deep inside of her heart, I don't want to lie to her that my feelings are the same.
So, I stay alone, getting lonelier with every passing week.
Not much to do about it, right?
So.. I've been thinking about what love means to me.
It's not like I've been ever really in love, except the time one and a half years ago.
That was love!
Sharing everything, doing almost everything together, holding hands to get through the bad things in life, enjoying the good things. Having fun together, visiting family, talking much, we grew together with every single day.
Yes, it was her family that I admired, not mine. It made me happy to think of me as part of their family, to think of my girlfriend as my one and only.
It's true, I'm looking for something that could possibly compare to this.
But I don't know, everywhere I look I only find shallow minded fools, dramaqueens, girls, that don't even know how to express themselves, who I can't even discuss with without thinking "man, she sure is dumb!".
That's not what I want.
No matter how close I came to a girl these months, I didn't even feel a distant warmth of love. There may be desire, but not love.
I miss the things that come with it, like wanting to get known to her family, doing stuff together, watch movies sitting on the sofa, holding hands.
No, I don't feel like wanting someone close to me.
It doesn't feel well anymore. Just thinking about it hurts.
Don't want to visit families either, they scare me.
Don't want to introduce my possible girlfriend to my family,
Don't want to marry someone random.
I'm searching for a person who I can bond to.
A person I can love. Someone, I can truly love from deep inside my heart.
I'm not the same I were back then, in the dark times of depressed girls by my side.
I wanted to have somebody so badly, that I didn't even recognized how terrible my choices were.
Don't want to make choices out of loneliness anymore. Don't want to make choices out of simple desire anymore.
Maybe I'm odd, but I want something real that I can rely on, someone, who makes me feel delighted, someone I can fully trust, without fear of her betraying me one way or another.
...but all these girls do nothing much else than make my hatered grow even more...
I know what I want, and I also know that I will have a hard time finding it.
Accepting that, does that mean I have grown up a bit?